I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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