I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
