I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
