I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Randomize
