I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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