Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
