dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
