You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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