and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
