you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
