Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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