Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize