Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
