so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Can you bring me the toilet please
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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