I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
