dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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