I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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