First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
