Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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