I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
