Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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