My first STD was from a foam party
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
