if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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