listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
