I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I didn't shave. On purpose
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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