it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
