I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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