I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
