Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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