why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
