Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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