I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize