I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize