its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
