I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
