we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize