Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
