i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
