theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
