I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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