its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
