Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
