All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
