one two three fourrrrnication!
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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