My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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