the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
