yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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