she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
