I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
