Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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