I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
