i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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