he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
