I'm lost and stupid without you.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Randomize