1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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