guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
