I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize