Moan for me like Helen Keller
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
