Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
